medication – Diary of Ann Franks

I have a pain in my neck. A big, giant pain. This is not a set up for a husband/children/job joke. It’s really just the fault of IDIOT drivers talking or texting on cell phones who insist on ramming me from behind while I innocently sit at stop lights minding my own business and NOT TEXTING. This has happened at least three times and caused some sort of arthritic/degenerative blah-blah to my neck that in layman’s terms means my neck is totally jacked up on occassion.

So, recently, after a serious error in judgment in which I decided to bungee jump…(Just kidding. I would PREFER that story to what I am about to confess.) After a serious error in judgment in which I… slept on a different pillow than I normally would, I have been in what can only be referred to as the kind of pain and discomfort one would feel being forced to witness Janet Reno’s OB/GYN exam.

And yes, the fact that I am capable of hurting myself while sleeping is probably not wholly unexpected by those who know me best. This even beats the Great Tendon Ripping Event of 1990 which occurred as I walked along and slightly rolled my foot off the edge of the sidewalk, resulting in the application of a cast for several weeks until I ripped it off with a screwdriver. (Side note: I think a different kind of screwdriver may have been responsible for my unsteadiness on the sidewalk to begin with.)

The point of all this rambling is that I am on some sort of cocktail of drugs (under a doctor’s supervision) that involves my carrying a bag around with pain-killer, Valium, steroids, anti-inflammatory, and some sort of nerve medication to prevent seizures. I’m not quite clear how that got in the mix, but I don’t like to pry.

The good news is, I am definitely feeling better and can actually move my neck (head?) without turning my whole body from the waist. The bad news is, my mother (who called from out-of-town yesterday) practically had apoplexy when I went into my medication recital and declared I was going to end up like Shelly Winters.

Shelley Winters?? Like from the Poseidon Adventure?? That’s the best she can do? That IS bad news. I told her I preferred my friend Max’s comparison to Judy Garland and asked that she please refer to me as such in future telecommunication.