sandwiches – Diary of Ann Franks

Thanks to my informant in the UK, I understand the Viscountess had a new food experience this weekend, and I’m jealous. I’m not sure if the Diamond Jubilee brought on such frivolity or what, but it was crazy. The Crisp Sandwich.

You heard me. Two pieces of bread, buttered, with a layer of, in this case, sea salt & vinegar chips. According to the responses on Facebook to the announcement, it’s not something new. I also don’t think it had anything to do with celebrating the Queen, unless they were implying she’s a crusty/salty/tart little dish. And we’re not saying that, are we?

The whole crisp sandwich idea reminds me of the scene in The Breakfast Club when Ally Sheedy pours Captain Crunch cereal on bread and smashes it all together with a few Pixie Sticks sprinkled on top.

My own personal weird sandwich recipe – the one I didn’t bring out until I’d been married well over a year – and I still tried to be secretive about it, but got busted – is a peanut butter and dill pickle sandwich.

Delicious. Seriously. Hey, at least it’s a step up from my elementary school daily luncheon of mustard and white bread sandwich. Just mustard. And bread. It’s a wonder I didn’t get beaten up on a daily basis.

How about a banana & mayo sandwich? Just banana and mayonnaise. Sounds hideous to me, but Max swears by them.

I really have to give the Brits credit here for getting to the heart of the issue. I’ve heard from others today in the US who add whole or crushed chips to everything from bologna & cheese sandwiches to peanut butter. But across the pond, they cut out all that middle of the road, “I’m still eating decently because my sandwich has ‘real’ food on it,” mumbo-jumbo. They just went for it.

Bread. Potato Chips. Butter.

Carb, carb, and butter (which is actually a beverage at my house).

Bring it on! Just THINK of the other food sensations out there I haven’t even considered! Has anyone had a popcorn sandwich?

Perhaps a taste test is in order. Salt & vinegar chips, barbecue flavor, nacho cheese, and… suggestions?

Things I’m wondering about today:

How much longer will we be seeing a dress uniformed “Sully” Sullenberger in commercials?

How many shows CAN they make about vampires?

(Answer: Too many.)

Speaking of which, how can they make TWO movies out of the last Twilight book?

What exactly is Pisco Porton?

Why is it someone can like tomato soup, but not tomatoes?

How did Rick Perry’s people manage to keep this frightfully entertaining secret to themselves? I’d like to buy them a round of drinks.

Can the Puppytime app really improve my life 3 times a day?
(But then again, what can it hurt?)

If college football is on, will my husband notice that I am eating the last of the potato chips?

How can someone actually make a TV show about Trash?

Why didn’t I think of it?

Why do people hire Emmitt Smith for commercials when he can’t say “asked” or “exactly?” Can’t they write something without those words? Like, “They didn’t have the tequila I wanted… (rather than “aksed for?”) If you have no idea what I am talking about, you are a lucky, lucky person. “Aks” anyone in Dallas. They will tell you “ZACTLY” what I mean.

Sorry, Emmitt.

Who first made queso? Because they should have their own national holiday.

Why can’t I find a BIG metal chicken that I can name Beyonce and photograph in silly circumstances? (Of course, now that EVERYONE has one, perhaps I need to look into a different giant metal farm animal. Start your Christmas list now!)

Why does my dog smell like Fritos when we haven’t had Fritos in the house in MONTHS? And even if we had, why would she smell of them?

And sometimes she smells like chocolate chip cookies.

Why are archaeologists never as attractive as Indiana Jones and why am I always strangely disappointed by that fact?

Does anyone really set out to work in a slaughter house/be a butcher, and wouldn’t it make you nervous/creeped out to date one?

Same for morticians.

Why is a sandwich always better when someone else makes it for you?

Who are the people who order exercise equipment from a TV commercial, and can’t we do some sort of intervention to help them?

Why does it take only one day to totally fill the dishwasher, but three days for someone to unload it?

Shouldn’t there be a Tim Gunn app that offers sensitive and supportive phrases like, “You need a hug.” “Make it work.” “You should be so proud of yourself.” Or even, “I’m going to have to ask you to go clean up your workspace.”